Kate Lamothe (mindtheft) wrote,
Kate Lamothe

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Violence Schmilence *May be triggering, be forwarned*

I had a really shitty experience last night and feel the need to vent about it, yet I've put it off all day.  I've probably come back to this livejournal "post an entry" page like 10 times not knowing exactly what to say. Whatever, here it is:

Last night I was assaul...see, I can't even fully write it.  It just sounds too dramatic, but that's really the whole crux of my problem is that I always minimize the violence that's done to me.  I think I still have a lot of transphobia, and trans-misogyny more accurately, bottled up deep inside me that only comes out at moments like this and I end up hating myself for having all this internalized shit.  It's like my logical side tells me, I know that obviously it wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything to deserve it. But then my visceral, emotional side brings up all this grossness.

Okay, so here's what happened:
I was at a play party cruising this boi all night and it was only at the very end of the night that we finally had a chance to chat.  We were outside talking about my performance art/poetry and their*** music and I even suggested possibly performing at the next ATW/CLM party.  Then, out of nowhere, point blank they asked "So are you a boy or a girl?" Now, It's explicitly written in the contract that the attendees have to sign that this type of questioning is not acceptable. 

If it had happened at an event that I wasn't a part of organizing I would have probably just have given them a "Fuck Off" and walked away.  But as an organizer I felt a deeper sense of responsibility. So, I calmly told them that that wasn't an appropriate question and that if they were genuinely curious about my gender a more appropriate phrasing would be "How do you identify?" or "What pronouns should I use when referring to you?"

But then after that scolding I finally did tell them that I am a girl. And, here's where it's complicated because I think that they thought I was FTM  because they said "Oh, so you were born a girl but you want to be a boy?"  And, in retrospect, I should have stopped the conversation dead on there.  But, I'm really bad with deflecting or disarming questions.  So, instead of walking away at that point I said "No, I'm a person who was assigned male at birth but who's in fact female...etc etc"  And, here's where it gets really fucked, because after I said that they reached out, grabbed both of my breasts, and squeezed and groped my breasts while asking "So, are these real or fake then?"

Eugggghh.  And, I just felt like in that moment that my body was instantaneously transformed into public property.  And then all the internalized trans-misogyny started coming in because I kept trying to dismiss what happened as oh that person was just genuinely curious or oh worse things happen everyday to other trans and non-trans women or oh I'm MTF so my breasts don't count as intimate body parts because they didn't start growing till I was 23.

So, anyway, the other collective members banded together and kicked the person out of the party and were really supportive of me.  And, it's just enraging and shitty that a 2 minute encounter put me in such a bad headspace for almost a full day afterwards.  I'm probably oversensitive from lack of sleep too but you know it definitely still hurts and sucks.

Thanks for reading

P.S. I was rereading some of my old posts and noticed that I tend to write a lot about violence that I experience.  I guess LJ is a good outlet for me that way *shrug*

***I don't know how exactly this person identifies so I refer to them by they/them as a result

X-posted to Transgender

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